Go Hug Yourself!

What is up, people? I know I have been AWOL and my absence has caused just as much panic as Walter White’s fugue state did. (Stop imagining me in a grocery store in my birthday suit.) I am sure my absence was felt by all my fans. All 16 of them.

I usually write when I get inspired by certain incidents and/or people I talk to and looking at the frequency with which I write, I think I ought to get inspired more often.

At the moment, the pattern of my thoughts looks a lot like the script of Westworld. Nevertheless, let us try to look at this together and I promise that after we are done, I will give you a link to an amazing video of puppies that we will watch together and will make your head hurt a little less. Let’s go!

How do we know if we are in love with the person or the idea of how magnanimously amazing they are?

It is a soppy thought, I know. But with the alarming growth in the number of relationships I see around me and the frequency with which I hear  “He/ she is amazing!” is making me curious. So I *had* to investigate this topic. It was either this or the definition of the word “amazing”. Something tells me I have chosen the road not taken.

Through my fair share of experience, I have learnt the basics of getting into a relationship. You “put your best foot forward”- the very same foot that used to roam around all day in borrowed Hawai chappals is now not allowed to see the light of day without a pedicure and diamond studded pair of Gucci shoes.

Hey! No shame! While you were busy fitting yourself into a dress two sizes smaller for your body and 4 inches too short for your self confidence, your paramour was busy memorizing dialogues from ‘The Notebook’ in French whilst doing his Kegel exercises. It’s an understanding two strangers share- Don’t ask, Don’t tell *wink wink*

So, it is safe to say that we meet a distorted version of the person we intend to be with and over time we figure out who we really are with. The only thing in this standard procedure that worries the control freak inside me is that there is no limit that defines the degree and duration this distortion is allowed to last. So unless you use you noggin’ and whip up a relationship agreement like Sheldon and Amy, you might be in a dangerous territory my friend.

Most of us who try to cling on to this version of ourselves longer than we should do it because we do not feel comfortable enough to let the other person see how who we truly are. And that is justified right? How many people do we have in our lives who accept us for the selfish, lazy, fickle minded bums we are? So this fear is justified. It’s cool. You know what is not cool? Doing Drugs. Oh and also leading people on by making them believe they are in a relationship with someone you are not. If you cannot be honest with them what are you even doing? (Better not be drugs)

And all you “better halves” who are nodding your head right now know that you are responsible too. You know when things get real you start getting bored because you see them as a predictable being (as you are) and acceptance is the last thing on your radar. “Amazing” turns to “Boring” and “Baby” turn into “The old ball and chain”,

Why am I saying all this? Because I, for one, really think that we need to understand the concept of loving a person and not just the idea of them. To understand that someone who seem to be great at being  ‘I’ might not be good at being ‘Us’. And that a relationship is a relationship only when YOU, and not some indestructible and impeccably dressed video game version of you, are in it. And if the other person cannot handle you in all your glory (every sassy, dirty, whiny, cranky yet sexy bit of it) then you know you have to wait for the real deal. Because you really are amazing!

Phew! That was heavy! But it is over now. And as I promised, I have video for you right here.

Until next time! 🙂

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We need to Talk.

Well, hello there!

This part of the post is supposed to be me pointing out my irregularity (out of sheer guilt), you not caring, me making sad jokes about that and laughing nervously (Pretty much like every single relationship I’ve had.) But I am gonna skip the drama because the fact that you are here and reading this makes me feel secure enough to know you love me. (There! I said it! No more games now.)

So let’s just get to it,shall we? Last month, while I was busy making silly videos, stalking people online, going on impulsive trips, fleeing cities amidst riots and engaging with every post related to the Coldplay concert, I stopped for a bit to acknowledge this question that kept popping in my head every now and then:

Why do we avoid the things we know we should do?

Now when I say “things we should do”, I don’t mean spending wisely, doing our taxes, exercising regularly, eating healthy, or drinking in moderation (Pffftttt. Who even does that?) I’m talking about the things that we wish we had the balls to do but don’t even let ourselves go near the prospect of accomplishing these tasks. Like participating in an open mic night, approaching your Instagram crush, watching MSG, wearing that outrageous color in public, OR being able to say “Sorry” *DHANN DHANN DHANN*

Yeeeaaaahhhh. I flinched while typing that too. It’s funny how we are SO comfortable with apologizing and making nice with the stranger we bumped into in the washroom of a mall we hate, but when it comes to burying the hatchet with someone who we KNOW means a lot to us, we just stand there and convince ourselves that we don’t need that person in our life. Much like you convinced yourself that you don’t need to attend the Coldplay concert in person- STOP LYING TO YOURSELF!

And it’s not just about saying “Sorry” actually, the idea of having ANY real conversation makes us so uncomfortable that we would rather choose to attend a family gathering with our entire khaandaan (WITHOUT our phone) than having to tell someone how we feel about them. And if someone decides to break the character and shows the courage to bring up the topic we find ourselves wishing we had not left our home and our laptop that day. (Joyce Byers wouldn’t ask such questions! And she has real problems! Her son is MISSING!)

We’d rather stalk people extensively, reply to their Snapchat Story, send emojis of dogs holding hearts (it’s not romantic if there is a dog in it) and play mind games than utter the actual words. Even to Ourselves! “Ummm… I left a comment… So it is obvious na… that.. you know!”.. ” I didn’t like his Facebook post so It’s obvious na… I don’t.. you know…” My personal favorite… “Look at my WhatsApp status, bruh! It says it all!”

As someone who is guilty of all of the above (and more), I think it’s time we (by ‘we’ I mean ‘you’) do something about this. As much as I love the drama that rises from chaos, let’s tone it down a bit. Get over your fear, have the tough talk, tell the truth, “unmask” your feelings- good or bad. And if you get bored of all that peace, take someone to watch ‘Baar Baar Dekho’, that’ll help you pick a fight!

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“Do you wanna make Fraaandship?”

“Oh no! She is at it AGAIN!” A thought that must have crossed your mind when I shoved the link to this “Piece Of Art” in your face and by your face, I mean your feed. What is important is you got over the fear of enduring my extra long posts, with even longer sentences and complicated segues. A place where I try to make sense out of things that affect our lives (much deep. such thoughts. many wow!) and more often than not, fail at it! But despite all of that, here you are! That means a lot to me. I love you guys for that! As a friend. You know! (Gosh! Be cool, man!)

That brings us to the topic for today (Real smooth. I know *smug face*)

Friendship Day and Friends.

You see, my creative juices were not really co-operating for the past few days but TODAY is a special day because Friendship Day has got them flowing and HOW! (you want a clue? Look at the title. So creative.)

Friendship day (the second day after Valentine’s Day  that sees the much feared concept of “Friend-zone”  extensively discussed online) means different things to different people.

To school kids it is like Hunger Games where the cool kids are a part of the Capitol, and Friendship day bands are the food supplies. If you don’t come home with an arm that looks like “Shahenshaah” what is the point of going to school at all? I mean, really?!

In college, it is a super important event for the Hyperactive Student’s Club. It is their responsibility to convert Friendship day into a carnival consisting of various rituals like dedicating chocolates to your friends. What used to grind my gears was that every chocolate had a different meaning or significance. What the hell is that about?! I mean will gladly eat that 5 star bar even if it means “I hate your bloody face!”. And please! If there is ANYTHING that a Munch signifies, it is lack of funds or chindigiri. (Yes, I never got a chocolate ever. Why’d you ask?)

What is important is to understand what it means to us now. We live in a world where we depend on Facebook to remind us of the minutest things including our own birthdays (except for those people who do the “20 days to go. 19 days to go. 18 days to go.” thing. You guys. *sigh* ) It is only natural to treat something like “Friendship Day” as a mass birthday notification where we type “Friendship” instead of “Birth” and post it on our wall and the job is done! If you are a little more serious than that you make a collage of old pictures and #FriendsForever does the rest for you.

But your real friends already know what they mean to you. Duh! You didn’t wait for Friendship Day to help them create the perfect texts to send to their crush,  to take their calls in tears, to tell them what a hot mess they are, to gang up against others who told them what a hot mess they are, to scold them for going after a mean ex, to treat them as family and you certainly didn’t wait for Friendship Day when you had to hold their hair while they puked. Neither did they.

Why on earth am I then blabbering about this so called special day if it is not needed at all?  Let’s just toss it and work on our Independence day status updates, AMIRITE?!

I am saying all this because I want to give a new spin to this day. I want to take Friendship Day back to the basics. You see, just like all the wonderful things you did without thinking much, you did not really wait for an “un-friendship” day to (knowingly or unknowingly) do hurtful things to them. Let’s face it. We all (well, almost all) have screwed up when it comes to friends. We’ve been selfish, egoistic, mean and pretty much ruined something that once felt like an important part of who we are. Maybe you didn’t mean it, maybe you were angry, maybe you were being a jerk or maybe, if you are anything like me, you were just hungry. But you said some things and you did some stuff and you lost a good friend. And we hate to admit it but it does bother us and we do miss those friends. However, confronting them like adults is not what we can do because who does that right? Pffttt!

So if you have made a booboo in the past and you cannot find a chocolate that can express how sorry you feel about it, I can totally do it for you!  All you gotta do is “dedicate” this link to them and the rest, will be taken care of. Once again, I got your back! 🙂

Saving Friendship Day like a Boss!

*Cue F.R.I.E.N.D.S Title track*

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“When I was Your Age….”

It has been a while since I visited my island and looks like the party has left. I am sure most of you thought this was going to be a typical “Dear Diary, Can’t wait to write in you….. NEVER!” scenario but SURPRISE MOTHAFUCKAAA! Look who is back!

I know it seems like I have been gone for too long. You see, I was busy with some stuff and by “some stuff” I mean “coming up with a method to overcome chronic laziness and finding a cure for advanced procrastination”. In all fairness, laziness was not the only reason that kept me from writing last week. I am going to be honest and say that when I realized that Facebook statuses about Pokemon Go were getting more hits than my posts I felt a little dejected. It is only natural! Especially because I was sure I would be an internet star overnight (Kanan Gill was supposed to start falling for my charm by the end of this week. Schedule is all messed up now! Haven’t even made it to Kapil Sharma!)

As far fetched as an idea like that sounds, I am sure you can relate to it because all of us  have a little kid inside us who pushes us towards such unrealistic expectations.

Okay, most if us.

Okay, some of us.

No, I am not having a stroke. I am just stating that in order to have that inner child, we initially need to grow up. But most of us never stopped being that kid at all. And that brings me to the topic that has been on my mind lately:

What does our age really do for us now?

Now, before I start off with my weird thought process, let us get done with the usual ritual of stating what this is not about. This is not about those “At my age, getting lucky means finding parking space” type jokes that frequent family WhatsApp groups that are also a ground for all kinds of political debates and the main exchange point of generic “Good Morning” pictures with random babies on them (If I see ONE MORE baby, it’s over Uncle ji!).

Neither is it about how getting older changes us and the wheel of time shapes us into a person who is totally different from the clay of childhood that we started with (Yes, I got that from a WhatsApp group. Just go with it!)

In fact, it is quite the opposite. As someone in her 20’s who has had the experience of living away, in a different city, on her own for studies AND for work, I can confidently say that I feel like I am as close to feeling like an adult as Rahul Khanna is to realizing that I am the one he has been waiting for all his life.

To be fair, I do not really know what “feeling like an adult” technically is. Sure, we learn to do what we think is to “behave like adults” by ensuring we find someone to pay us so we can pay the bills and ensure we have a roof over our head and basically keep ourselves alive.

And honestly, we love this charade of behaving like adults. At least initially. We take responsibility where we feel we can and we do get excited about “growing up”. We are systematic about it:

  • We post our offer letter on Facebook.
  • We add our first apartment to our Snap Story.
  • Make extensive plans about how we will set up our new home based on ideas from Pinterest.
  • Tell ourselves we will save wisely and live a healthy life after watching an inspirational video on YouTube.
  • Then go ahead and spend more than half our salaries on online shopping which is totally justified because we have to throw our first house party as adults where #InstaLove has to be abused.

And somewhere in the middle our first mid month panic attack, while curled up like a fetus in the corner of our room, we make friends with the concept of  Jugaad.

Weekend brunches turn into Maggi meals, Zara turns in Jabong, Smirnoff turns into Old Monk, “Let’s party!” turns into “Let’s stay in and watch a movie. Forrest Gump?”, and mummy’s favourite dialogue “Sabb lights kyun on hain? SHAADI CHAL RAHI HAI KYA?” becomes your catch phrase.

This is ACTUALLY are first step towards “feeling like an adult”. The first and maybe the only one most of us have taken so far.

Is that so bad, though? I know we as a generation are picked on for being laid back, non serious, outspoken, lazy and confused- We all fall in “Saas kya kahegi?” category. We are seen as people who are just not ready to lead responsible, meaningful, well rounded, family lives like our elders did when they were our age. They were pretty awesome at being a grown up in their time, no doubt. But what I am trying to point out here is that with the world around us today, having the same expectations attached to every age group would be a little unfair. I mean, look around you. Literally. I am sure you might be at the risk of bumping into someone who is about to catch Pikachu.

Now that you are safe, look around and you will see a world full of super fun people who stop to take a selfie with a cute dog, people who cannot wait to share something funny they saw with their friends, people who will step in with their superior haggling skills at Causeway when Bhaiya ji won’t listen to you, people who will call you in the middle of a busy work day because you told them you found your ex’s shoe lace, people who will come up with the most APT Bollywood dialogues for every situation and make you smile and people who will keep annoying you with examples till you get the point.

Feeling better about the crowd you are in aren’t you? So the next time you worry about “behaving your age” go back to that point where you took your first step and remind yourself that when the time is right, you will take the next step too. Preferably not induced by panic. It will be perfect because it will not be rushed. As long as you don’t get used to using this as an excuse or a butt of “I’m such a kid” jokes, I think you are set. Whatever your age, just focus on being Fabulous! And switch off the lights.

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An Ode to Heart Cramps

A week in and my deserted island is not so deserted anymore! Now I know, it does not have enough people to throw a kick ass party that causes the next door Aunty to call the cops on us (Get it? eh? eh? You do? Go, make better life choices!) but just enough to have a cozy potluck dinner where nobody ever uses a coaster. (I am super wild, clearly!) Point is, I am a happy host!

Now that I have your attention, let us get to the good stuff.

Looking at the title, I can’t help but notice that it sounds like a failed attempt at making a Heartburn sound fancy. As interesting as it would be to discuss the plight of an over (zealous) eater, I am going to steal the limelight from the stomach for just a bit and focus it somewhere else- our head (to all those who thought I’d write “heart”, you switch off that TV and join those Honey Singh fans up there!)

Please be warned that this is not about finding love and dealing with loss and all that stuff Grey’s Anatomy teaches us (Good luck learning about love from a show that killed off Mc Dreamy. Ugh!) What it is, is about the systematic shut down of our brains (that most of us use to practice our fake award speeches and some of us use to understand why a show like Splitsvilla is still running.) the moment we see that our feelings are not being reciprocated. May it be your partner of seven years who left you at your worst, your fiance who suddenly stopped loving you, your crush who moved to Timbaktu or the guy you saw across the street while picking up your chappal that fell off your foot while you were getting off the auto rikshaw while arguing with the driver for change- it always starts the same way.

The condition of Heart Cramps is generally preceded by a rigorous regime of denial that consists of considerable amounts of anxiety, anger and alcohol (The original AAA.) These symptoms surface periodically and just when they begin to fade away, you are presented with your next stimulus. This stimulus is divided into stages. These are:

1.) Verbal– phrases like “It is over.”, “I have moved on.”, “I do not see you the same way”, and (my personal favorite) “I love you but I am not in love with you.” are classic examples. These phrases, which are already an assault on our senses, are often followed up with absurdities like “It is not you. It is me.”, “I need space.”, “It’s a phase. I need t experiment and get it out of my system.” Sure.

2.) Actions– being blocked on social media, being hung up on, unanswered calls, being the recipient of rude behavior- these are some of the fun experiences that are earned by people who make it to stage 2.

3.) The dark side– This is generally brought on by seeing our love interest showing interest in other people. Particularly aesthetically pleasing people. But mostly people. Everybody is a suspect. Getting to this stage is not what you want. Compulsive stalking and creepiness are the main features in some of the advanced cases of this stage.

Once you reach the dark side, the good news is that there are no further stages. The bad news is that you stay here for a while. Over analyzing every action and statement uttered by the person you gave so much importance to becomes a hobby. This stage also sharpens your memory as you play the whole relationship in your head on loop, day and night. The AAA are back and this time they are bigger than ever. You cannot eat things you ate with them, you don’t wear clothes they complimented, you avoid places you visited together, every song makes you nauseous, every couple seems rude and some nights you just find yourself staring at the toothbrush they left at your place and it reminds you of the beautiful time you spent together and you don’t brush your teeth for a couple of days.

Now, I know I might seem a little insensitive when I try to put a humorous spin on something that is capable of haunting a person for years and is more common than people mispronouncing the word “GIF”. To be frank, this is the very reason I addressed this today and in the way I did. I know very well, what it is like to sit for hours, perplexed, going through every single conversation, feeling anxious about something that seemed like losing a part of what made me who I was. I, like all of you, have experienced the moment when you realize that no amount of Ice cream can fix the pain that you feel in places you did not even know it could hurt in. I know what it feels like to live in the shell that you live in after all this ends. I may not know how relationships work but this shell, my friend, is something I know very well. It makes you a silent spectator of your own life. A silent spectator of a movie in which you should be in the lead. Could things BE any worse?

Now, I am not going to be the kind of friend who tells you to just suck it up or get over it or move on or be a man! I’m not going to tell you to drink up and forget her, to burn his picture, to steal his dog and I am CERTAINLY not going to make you join Tinder (Ya nasty!). But I AM going to help you reach a point where you can laugh at it. Well, smile if not laugh. Where you can acknowledge every stage you went through, experience every emotion, get done with the stupid antics and then come back and read this and realize how silly you were. Only then will you get over your fear of being vulnerable again. THAT is when I give you a high five and you get ready for the next big thing and I’ll be right here, to make you smile when you get a brain freeze from eating ice cream too quickly. I got your back!

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(What) To be or (What)not to be?

A few days after writing my first post and I feel really comfortable typing here because at this point, I know it is safe to say that if my blog was a diary, it would be sitting on a deserted island with nothing but the sound of waves and chirping of crickets playing in the background.  But hey! This is better than a diary because it is open for people to see. In an acceptable way. Kind of like the real life equivalent of sitting in a park and talking to yourself. People are NOT a fan of that. (It NEVER happened, okay!)

Now that I am done with my dose of randomness, let us move on to the subject I have in mind *drum roll*

Who are we? And who is it that we want to be?

*If you haven’t closed this tab and moved on to a video of tea cup pigs/ an article about your favorite celebrity’s diet/ Debate on the Salman Khan controversy (No judgement, man. Whatever floats your boat.) I would like to thank you (read “Haha! Suckaaaa!”. Please don’t go.)*

I think we all would agree that this the most important question we as humans face every single day of our existence. It is right after “What would you like to drink?”, “Do I really need a third helping?” and “Tu jaanta hai mera baap kaun hai?!!”. It defines how we lead our lives.

However, this question did not seem to haunt people as much in the earlier times. The previous generation seemed to figure this out pretty quickly. At least where I come from. It was clear. Everyone wanted to be academically brilliant, married, rich, sanskaari- Basically, Sharma ji’s son. People before that had even more clarity- All they wanted was to be a survivor post the age of 40.

Compared to this, we seem to change our minds much like Katy Perry’s boyfriend in Hot ‘n’ Cold. I mean, last week I wanted to be Lady Lyanna Mormont, Marshall from HIMYM, Amy Dunnne from Gone Girl AND a Teletubby. And we ALL do this. We do this with every movie we watch, every song we hear, every article we read, every celebrity we follow and every time we stalk our ex’s new flame.

Even when we are busy “wanting to be somebody” a lot of us are already working on being somebody else. There is no denying that most of us today, consciously or subconsciously, chalk out a person/ personality and pretend to be them all the time. All day. Every day. Throughout our lives. Minus the hours we spend being drunk. (That is when everyone gets to be confident, flirtatious and obnoxious.No shame.) The smaller the world gets, the more complicated and diverse this picture gets. Why is it then, I would rather be a part of this generation than any other? (except the obvious reasons like better life expectancy, better rights and Krispy Kreme.)

It is because we, collectively, are not afraid of probing into the former part of the question I started this rant with: “Who are we?”. It is a heavy question, man. And on most days, we do not even want to go near it. But somehow, while we enjoy the great spread we see at “Who is it that you want to be?” buffet, we cannot help but think if we can be true to that particular identity for long and that is where the urge to meet the real you comes and nudges  you. It is senseless to think that you would have an epiphany and figure yourself out in one go. But even understanding a certain part of your personality- your true desires, things that make you smile, things you do only for someone’s approval and why- is a true achievement. In a game where choosing characters for a temporary period (a corporate slave, a hipster, a class clown, a player, a manipulative doctor who knows every single diagnosis in the world) seems to be a sensible option in the pursuit of happiness, meeting the real you and being cool with it HAS to be the jackpot. It is beautiful how one helps the other. And we realize that. Thank god, we realize that!

We see fathers who like to stay at home, men who like to dress well, women who love to bike, amazing single parents, children who question the concept of god and people who openly wear socks with sandals (unless you are one of those guys who grows one long fingernail, you are good.).We even have people who openly admit that they want to be a Roadie! I mean that is something, right? Never mind.

The reason I made you go through the trouble of reading all of this today is because I took time to understand this but I finally understood that everything we try to do/ be is because at the end of the day, we want to go to sleep with a happy version of ourselves (put down that glass of wine. That is NOT what I meant.) More often than not, a lot of things we think we want to do/ be are because we think we have to do/ be them in order to be happy. These acts are relatively easier to identify, all you have to do is substitute “Happy” for “Socially Acceptable/ Likeable”. This confusion is the sole reason we are not getting there. We are not meeting that awesome version of us that can have a TV series made on them (ANY day now!) There is no, I repeat, NO feeling worse than doing something you are not really into but are doing for the sake of something that qualifies as an exterior force. Explore new territories, meet new people, try new things, create new stories and do not stop yourself from trying anything out of fear of being judged. Because the next stupid thing you do might just bring you closer to yourself. Like writing this has done for me. 🙂

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Baby Steps.

For someone who has the fastest eye roll reflex toward cliches, I must admit that I have found myself surprisingly comfortable starting a blog with a title that would have earned an eye roll AND a “Come on!” had I come across it somewhere else.

As you can judge by that lengthy first sentence, I AM new to Blogging and I AM nervous. Loving it so far! *sweats*

I do not know why most people turn to blogs but I am here because of a sudden urge that made me feel that the thoughts that keep doing circles in my head need an outlet.

I like to think that I am quirky and funny and I manage make people around me laugh with my inappropriate and poorly timed jokes (I have Chandler to thank. Yes, BIG F.R.I.E.N.D.S fan. HUGE. Wait, who isn’t? Pfffttt.) so I thought I’d put it to some use in the form of a blog and see what people feel about my sarcastic, chaotic, random yet wonderfully weird world.

A dreamer who is obsessed with drawing connections between real life and movies and sitcoms (I am a self proclaimed buff) I am learning to understand how the real world works. I am getting a hang of complexities of relationships, situations and emotions. Also, being overly attached to my obsessive and over analyzing nature is a gift that I would like to share here. Yay!

I have too many things that I want to write down right now but I think I should streamline my thoughts to avoid word vomit in my very first post (that wouldn’t work too well for me as I am hoping to develop an image as cool as Carrie Bradshaw as I write here.)

I am not very good with parting words so I am going to leave this here with an awkward wave.

Until next time!

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